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Why I Hate Authority

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Why I Hate Authority Empty Why I Hate Authority

Post by Charlie FiftyWatts on Mon May 21, 2018 1:40 pm

I was beaten daily as a kid. I didn't misbehave daily, I just got beat that often, and it taught me that authority doesn't have my well-being in mind, it actually threatens and harms my well-being.

And it does so just to do it. For no other reason.

A parent is supposed to be your life coach, and THAT is what parental  "authority" is supposed to only be about. When it degrades into being just about showing you who's the boss of you, it no longer does anything constructive - just the opposite. To this day I despise any kind of authority, flee from the slightest hint of it being exerted on me (a forum that told me colored text and gifs were prohibited comes to mind -  I left there immediately upon finding out someone was going to be looking at what I do, deciding if i can do it or not). And I built my own forum at some point, so that no one would ever be above me again, making my decisions for me.  I even made it with NO rules, because I wouldn't do to others what I don't want done to me.

I have not had a good life - because I was taught to hate the system, rather than how to be a part of it.

As for hitting... people know incentive works as well as disincentive, as a means of controlling behavior. They just chose to hit because they got hit, so they "believe in" it. Although Chips actually makes sense when he says a pat on the butt just while they're a toddler teaches them to respect that no means no, so you don't have to continue hitting them after that. It SOUNDS good. But I've never hit anyone in my life, and I won't. And I hate the idea of even a "pat on the butt" -hitting is hitting, and a child needs protection and positive encouragement and good example to follow - not to be struck as a way to make them obey out of fear.  Let me say that again: "to make them obey out of fear".

Well, I never had kids, so I'll never know how they would have turned out because i feel this way.

I just know the only time I ever get a violent urge is when someone tries to tell me what to do.

Oh they can ask, that's fine. And I'll bend, comply, work with, etc. But to tell , and set it up so I have to do it "or else"..that just makes me want to poke them in the eyes with two fingers and ask if they see MY point. Mad

That's what hitting a kid resulted in here.

This is all kind of personal and i shouldn't post it, I've not had a good life, and I've felt angry for a long time. I stuff resentments in a bag, you see, until it might explode, because that's what they taught me to do, by making me do it. (Oh they'd hit me, then stick me in a corner to "think about it". And I'd be left there sometimes for three hours until my legs were weak, but I was too scared to sit down. So they taught me I have to take abuse, and say nothing, leaving my only power to be that I know inside how it hurts, how I resent - how wrong it is - when I get wronged.

That's my power in life I was taught that I have. I was given this instead of ANY sense of having rights, or being able to do anything about wrongness when it occurs.  I was given NO constructive expectations. Just "don't even think about it, you can't."

I was threatened into being a voiceless fearing daily victim,
with no rights or future or authority of my own.

And as to this, I was told, "shut up, think about it, or you'll get hit again".

So...I'd stand there in the corner, having been beaten and caged once again, after doing nothing wrong at all,
needing parents and having this instead...and I'd stay in that corner out of fear, and "think about it".

And decades later, I am still as I was made when i was young and my brain was still wiring. I still get wronged and then say nothing, but resent it inside. (yes I know all about being "assertive" and making choices, etc, sure sure. You try it. Then tell me I should "chose" not to have been harmed as a child instead of helped.
And I should CHOSE to not have been affected by it. Ridiculous. Bah!

Only someone who's never experienced this could have the luxury to so blithely announce to one who has
that they should just "dismiss it".

So...I'm a bag stuffer who deeply HATES authority of ANY kind, and I have no contact with my family whatsoever.  
And that's what I am, in this lifetime. And hitting a child resulted in that.

I try not to hate them..I try not to even feel a violent thought (like hate is) towards another person, never mind physically act on one...I don't want to be what I hard learned is so terribly wrong. So I resent when anyone makes me feel hate. It's damaging to me, when someone affects me that way. Twain said that "anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.". And being a bag stuffer, well...if you make me feel hate, you do me harm in such a way, because I will not express how I feel. And I will hate and resent and try not to as if it's all just some big spiritual test (oh yea, as an adult you try and rationalize noble "reasons" for things happening, you know, but it's just B.S. you tell yourself)

Good stuff, this hitting to teach how to behave. Very effective. I obey what was forced on me, whether i want to or not, even all these decades later.

I can only conclude by repeating this: Incentive can be just as effective a means of control as disincentive - the only difference being you're not teaching someone that abuse is ok.

Let me ask this, if DISincentive (the threat of PUNISH-ment) as a way to cut down on crime doesn't work at all (oh, come on, we have more than 1 in every 100 of our own populace in cages, which is more than any country in the world, including the awful ones - BUT we never seem to "prevent crime" by it at all). So you can threaten punishment (even death) and you just end up with the SAME AMOUNT of crime, a huge bill for all the jails you built, and you'll have made more Muslims, whose religion says we should be killed and brought down (oh yea, the black guys we disproportionately cage? Yea, they turn AGAINST our society, rather than learn to want to be a helpful part of it. They teach each other the religion of our enemy in there, along with the idea that violence is normal and necessary, and they lift weights so they'll be more physically abled for it. A jail... is a training facility for anti-social behavior. But, hey,  "punishment", a great idea, right? Let's do MORE of it, and when it still doesn't work, do it HARDER, and when it still doesn't work, don't care! Let's do that. That's America, a country I feel more ashamed of than proud as they'd want me to. I CANT watch cops shows and judge shows and lawyer shows and detective shows aired around the clock and vicariously enjoy vilifying the "bad guy" whom we assign that role to for hating, hunting and harming purposes. You know what I'm saying? We're ugly. We're an ugly species, we exhibit awful behaviors, and approve of them.  I don't see a spit worth of difference between mankind now, and mankind in the middle ages. We torture people and everything, just with better tools both to do it and to find the victims for it.

And standing in my corner "thinking about it", that's what I see. I see what is. And I am still powerless to stop it.

Well, maybe someone should have hit me more...
Charlie FiftyWatts
Charlie FiftyWatts

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