Charlie's World

I've got my sites on this, for my vocal:

I'm also putting a pickup in the acoustic, and getting an amp stand for my Fishman, to get it off the floor to project sound out to an audience. I really think it's time to go play out.

I'll be running a little open mic route at first. Probably paying a fortune for taxis. But hey.. you know, I could have eaten better instead of getting this stuff, but then where would the money be? (Yup, flushed down the lavvy). So, yea, it took YEARS of going without to get a rig, but I got it now, and the next 12 years are it. Something to do...

Going back to the Casino...that guitar is massive. I made no mistake. It's freakin' heroic! Has a long scale neck with jumbo frets, so it feels as big as it is and plays so easy.  And it makes a great practice guitar. (An unamped acoustic may be quieter than an electric, but it'll cut its way through apartment walls and ceilings just the same. But this Casino unplugged is like "a nicely quieted acoustic". Very playable, very satisfying, with a fun twist available (the whammy). So you can suck out loud till you don't anymore, breaking new ground practicing, instead of just playing the songs you're already good at because you're being listened to.

As a performance instrument.. use it for a clean guitar and it's sweet. You'll hear all six strings individually yet in concert with each other, just as you should, with no muddling and garbling. If you want to use pedals or add some dirt, it'll go there. Just remember though, a little bite or modulation is fine, but if you want a lot of dirt use the Guild. (It's got the center block and HB's to be a good "electric guitar". And that Guild Starfire IV has the sweetest mahogany tone, without the garble of a Les Paul's over-wound humbuckers which are really just made for lead-playing.

The Les Paul..I'm gonna shield and rewire that one next week, and see if there's an improvement. If there's enough, and it starts to seem a little more worth investing in, and doesn't actually need different pickups bought for it (those'd be another $500), then I'll consider buying a surface-mount Floyd Rose... because with a whammy like that, and a saturated Marshall to play through, gassy stuff happens, seemingly without even trying. You just touch that whammy and wowee! And I've been wanting to get in on the dive bombing saturated Marshall music thing for a while. A lot of electric fun to be had I think. But, we'll see if that guitar shows enough promise to deserve the extra attention. Otherwise, even without a Floyd Rose fun bar, it's still gotta be SOMEwhat better, and not crackle any more and have crooked knobs (god damn piece of Chinese junk). Point is, I'm stuck with it as my only solid body electric I'll be getting. If I had 2 grand, I'd for sure get a Strat, but it isn't in the cards. Guitar Center doesn't pay any real money at all for trades, so I've got all I'm getting now, and I'm stuck with all of it. So I'll stabilize the crackly Les Paul with better wire and just use it to practice some lead and bend whole cords like a punk, which used to be fun.

That just leaves an amp to consider. We know the only amp which is an amp is a tube head. But we know I'd need a $1,300 attenuator to reliably make it work okay with the amp's speakers disconnected (ie, through headphones). That added need would bring the cost of a tube amp to a minimum of $3,000. And I can't go there.  But I did invest in all analog pedals that will make the most out of the guitar's sound. And I have a choice of two amps to send my signal into a clean channel. Will that sound great? or cheezy? I don't yet know. I'll have to go play out loud somewhere a while to know what I truly got. And I hope I can.  But yea, it could be a fail, and sound cheezy. ..Even the Fishman I rave about could just sound tinky because it's small. (If it does actually sound pretty amazing, I MAY go another $1,000 for a second Fishman, on a second stand...so I'd have two amps. The Keeley Doubler pedal  -and the EHX organ pedal, with its wet and dry outputs - would really shine through a stereo setup (two amps). But mostly I'm psyched at the thought of that Keeley Doubler having the chance to expand to full potential.

You know what this means? That retarded nazi bastard put himself through nearly 20 years of living in that dilapidated, rancid hell hole with dying elderly parents stinking it up (oh, there was crap on the floor, and the father NEVER bathed. It was HORRIBLE). And he lived in that rancid dump FOR TWENTY LONG YEARS, putting his money and free time into it, all the while thinking he would be getting a house this way. And he lied to the cops, abused people, committed crimes, broke the family apart, didn't help his parents IN ANY WAY (my mother would cry because he'd ignore her, he wouldn't just say 'hello', 'how are ya mum?', and she'd cry, and he'd waddle upstairs without caring a bit. And I'd wish his sock would get stuck on a nail, causing him to fall down those stairs and break his horrible neck and be paraplegic and unable to do anything but lay there and feel sorry. But it didn't happen. Well this is a bit late for an outcome I'd find FAIR, now, but it will do. The rotten fucker lived in a hell with a stench for 20 years, and all he got for it was that horrible time for a life, and no free house, and then dead.  YES!!!

I've talked about Dean a bit, and now he wants back in I guess, well...you may think some of the comments here are over the top hateful and wishing him ill, but let me just tell you what he does then...

First, I want to point out that he has $90,000 stashed away. He lives in a house, in his own personal forest, with acres of lakefront property, where he has so much privacy he can play acoustic drums at 3 AM. He has that, plus affords a car, a drug habit, and all that savings.

MEANWHILE, I - his 35 year best friend - live in a particularly poor city area, with no car, and insufficient food. It's so dangerous here I can't even go outside to take a walk.  And I certainly can't afford to ever go anywhere. And this is literally killing me. A daily walk had kept me healthy all my life; but now I'm in terrible condition and failing, after 11 years trapped indoors, in a city slum area, with only shit for food, and no joy, sun, or fresh air & exercise. I'm so tired and dilapidated, honestly, I wonder how much longer I will live. I'm 58, but my health seems like 78. And it's all, as always, for lack of money. I'm impoverished. I'll never have a car again, haven't seen the sky in 11 years, and no longer have friends or family. There are shootings and muggings outside, so "there is no outside". That's how it is for me.

Meanwhile Dean has it MADE. Yet he lies to trick me into working a total of 200 hours fixing up old trash XP computer towers for him (and even paying out of my pocket to add parts) because he wants me to imagine he can neither pay for a computer, nor do his own work. And I received, for this massive fucking favor he didn't actually need: a sandwich and "thank you". And if he legitimately couldn't afford anything, actually, that would have been fine. -> But he had no need for such help. At all. Yet I did this for him, to get him started having a computer (because he LIED to me about not knowing why anyone needs one, to trick me into this, have NO DOUBT). But I helped him, and I fully expected (and he was told) he'd need to buy a real computer at some point, having learned that they're a necessary life item. But nope, he just wanted to bring me another and yet another XP tower out of the trash,  to work on for another hundred hours. And maybe I'd get a can of Mountain Dew for the effort.

And all the while he REALLY DOES have $90,000 stashed away. And I know him, I can tell you: it isn't about financial responsibility at all, it's so he can quit working. And he isn't just taking advantage of people like that; he also SHOPS IN DUMPSTERS, and even takes food bank food from the needy. And I kind of hate him for this. There's nothing about his character to admire or even just respect. He's a sleazy lying loafer, and he hurts people - for laughs, and to take advantage of them.

And with all he's got,
things could have happened so differently...

He could have let me rent a cabin there, or a room, so I could play out loud, and walk daily instead of being near dead with unhealth now from the ill way I have to live. (And my subsidy would have payed him $450 a month for it. He'd have gotten $22,000 in the last 4 years, plus $450 every month into the future, ongoing. It would have been great for him. Plus for me, it would have cut how long it's taken me to buy my shit down to two years, instead of four. And I'd have been playing, walking, staying thin, getting to LIVE. He could have done the online show with me we planned for years. And gone through with the "we'll do a band" offer, since he's had his time at it, but I never did. I struggled for 4 years to buy the needed shit for it, at his suggestion. And I've only got what time I've got left. He COULD have helped his best friend have a bit of fun getting to live for a year or two finally. (AND himself.) (Oh, he lives like a teenager who isn't ever going to grow up or do ANYTHING for real).

But instead...
he lies to trick me into wasting my time and resources,
he breaks my stuff,
laughs about these things,
AND has me do his work,
AND EVEN PAY FOR IT.


So if you're wondering why I've fucking hated him, don't.


Dean was never actually my friend.  He's a psychopath. And I am not the first one he's hurt and then laughed about it. In fact the reason he could never finish grade school (he got kicked out of several, until there wasn't a school left that would take him) WASN'T merely "because he was a class clown (and so disruptive)"; he was hurting people and laughing about it, and was judged to be a disruptive influence AND a danger to the other students. So he was BANNED from every school in the area.

He has always had a behavior issue, and used to scream so badly as a kid, he gave himself a medical problem. He also stole his own grandmother's car and drove it into a swamp, and then claimed he "was just drunk" (but even drunk, a normal person wouldn't purposely destroy their Grandmother's car. But he did. And then he went on to wreck people's things AND LAUGH here and there for the rest of his life, because he gets pleasure this way. And he has no remorse or empathy for others. You can't even explain to him successfully why he should feel bad for such behavior, and apologize and make amends to those he's harmed and then laughed like the sicko he actually is. He simply doesn't get it, and lies continuously. And I've come to understand he has no capacity to get it. Dean calls this "his sense of humor". It's something Sarah mentioned (she put it: "he's entirely selfish, cares nothing about others). Then Dave Hemingway warned me.. "Dean's a psychopath".   ..but at the time I just thought Dave was mad at him and exaggerating comically. Dean had destroyed a prized artifact of Dave's ON PURPOSE, and got joy from the act. And Dave told me "He's a psychopath. He's a lunatic. I'm serious. Look it up."  ..Well, in recent time, I did. And he actually is.


So let's talk about my stuff Dean wrecked...

I got my first ever brand new guitar and he offered to save me the $50 it costs to get it set up. And I thought "he MUST know what he's doing after thirty years", plus he was SUPPOSED TO BE my best friend all that time so I oughta' be able to trust him; so I said "Great!". And he took it home, then brought it back with the pickups set to sound really terrible, plus all the knobs were now bent, and one broken off entirely, and the guitar had no output, and he had yanked on the strings the way one pull starts a lawn mower. And I had to pay a repair shop to fix at least some of what he did to my first ever BRAND NEW GUITAR, but it never sounded right (because what he did to the pickups wasn't spotted) (and because the pots ("knobs") really are messed up, all of them)...so it has sat for years, ruined and unused. Some favor huh?

Then I leave some stuff at his house and he PURPOSELY throws it around and breaks that some too. (He's psychopathic. This is FUN for him. It makes him laugh.) (I'm serious.)

And on top of damaging your stuff and having a laugh if you let him near anything, he is also a compulsive liar. You cannot be friends with someone who lies continually. You can't make plans, you can't even have a conversation. ..because everything he says, you just end up having to think "well, it may be true, but it probably isn't, what the hell is he even doing here?"  -> I'm an adult, and not a retard. I don't wish to be tricked constantly with fiction I'm to try and make fit with reality. IT MAKES ME DAMNED ANGRY. And if you make plans with a liar, a psychopathic one at that, you only find he'll encourage you to do work, pay money, plan, wait, be excited, for months or a year...and then you finally get there, and he says "Oh I didn't really want to do that!"  And he laughs because he destroyed you, and took a years worth of money and time from you. And if you point out what he has done, he will answer with lie upon lie. He will say what he did to fuck you up, is something other people, a nearby squirrel, or even you, actually did. He will deflect and bullshit like a practiced master of the KellyAnne Conway school of LYING. And he won't give a flying crap that he's actually greatly harmed you.

So I throw him out.

But in time, he comes back. I soften, I let him in. And while he's here he trashes my Casino (It has irreparable cosmetic damage to the chrome, plus a gouge and a scratch in the painted finish. And he'd purposely put thirty WET fingerprints all over it. It looked like he'd been eating chicken. I COULDN'T GET THEM OFF! And yup, he laughed). And don't even bother blaming me, for chrissake, I was standing right next to him, he only had it 15 minutes. He was helping me test the new pedalboard. We were trying to be friends again. But in that short time - while he pretended to be wiping it down - he was actually turning my beauteous instrument into a pain-ruined damaged artifact, where my cool cool thing used to be. It no longer feels perfect, and "mine"; it feels like some harm someone maliciously caused me, for a sicko laugh. And I haven't touched it since. (except to sweat and swear for a solid hour cleaning his mess off, and trying to hide the ding and the scratch he made. ..but they can't be hidden).

That Casino used to call to me daily, and it was 'MINE'. But now, it just feels awful.



I've ended up getting the Guild now.

HE WILL NEVER EVER TOUCH THAT.
BECAUSE HE WILL NEVER EVER BE ALLOWED IN MY HOME -EVER, EVER AGAIN.
IF HE SHOWS UP, I'LL GET A STAY AWAY ORDER.
AND HAVE HIM FIRED
AND MADE HOMELESS.



You see (the Casino), he had pretended to clean the guitar up, and then left it on the bed, but when I went to put it in its case after he left, I found all he'd done to harm it, and me. I had heard him laughing. Now I knew why. So I tell him, GET OUT.

But he calls me a few days ago, again, and says he has news (which no one else is ever going to inform me of). So I let him in (though he wasn't going to be touching anything). Well, not to be stopped from having what he calls "fun" (his "sense of humor"), he kicks my pedal board, TWICE, on the way by it. YANKS all the wires.  ..And then I go online to confirm that my brother had actually died (there's always a google hit on a death, of some type. If not an obituary or a funeral home listing, there'll at least be a site that lists info, showing him as deceased. Also if the house HAS been taken for debt, I'd see it listed.

BUT I SEE NEITHER.
It's possible he made it all up, just to get in.
He's such a compulsive treacherous liar without conscience, I cannot just take his word.

You know what?

You know it isn't even just that, Pete. He told me we'd do a band of all my originals, so I struggled without things to save and buy stuff, and started studying modern equipment morning to night every day as months (and then years) are going by. And I get there and he tells me he doesn't want to do MY music because HE has "musical integrity". (No, he has NO integrity, of any kind). But we get there to play, and he's mocking me, and acting like a primadonna, and dishonoring me; and I finally tell the useless drug-addled 50 year old teenage mental case that I don't understand any of this...and he says "You don't need to understand. It only matters that I do."

Later he adds that he "has no use for me on guitar" AS IF THIS IS HIS BAND. But it isn't. I never wanted anything to do with his pathetic democratic cover band. That's the lowest loser form of musical life, giving everyone a say and playing no originals. What the hell for!!!!??  

But with chronic idiot liars, it can take time to uncover what they REALLY are wanting to get for themself by all the trickery and deceit.  And it turns out the lying, the manipulation - saying one thing, but it's really something else - was ALL his dumb ill-conceived plotting to trick me into joining that awful idiots convention, as a singer.      WHAT A MORON.

I suppose what I'm gonna say now could be spun as nutty by someone stupid, but I do have some (albeit generic) spiritual sense.

You can't prove there's a giant spaghetti monster in the sky. You're childish & frankly idiotic if you think a myth created by cavemen, with details that are SO OBVIOUSLY CRAP, is real.

But we are intuitive. And there is Jungian synchronicity you can experience. And the "think of it and it will become" thing seems to have real experiencable basis. I see no reason to deny things you can kick, fuck or eat (ie, things that don't require "believing", without evidence).  So a book or two on "generic spirituality" can actually be helpful stuff along the way.

That waking life isn't all that different from how sleeping life is really a matter of "think of it and it becomes", is evident.
[You knock on wood, and say "be careful what you wish for", because you already know this is true  - and even fear it, because you haven't mastered its use.]  

And there is symbolism the subconscious uses to give messages to the conscious.  A symbol my subconscious uses to alert me of impending "change" is literally spotting change in my path (a quarter, specifically).  Does that seem silly? It shouldn't. It's not mystical; it's your subconscious using visually available symbolism to get a message to the conscious for needed attention. It has this function. It 'thinks' of your situation all the time, while you're consciously unaware of it, until it nudges you this way. Call it "inner wisdom", call it what you will, your inner you is smart, and to be used and relied on.  

So..when I find a quarter as I walk, I usually notice that big change soon occurs.

And none of this is religion or belief. It's life.


So...Recently I went shopping with DUMB LYING DAVE (he took me to buy my shit once monthly for years) (but now I guess he has tired of that, and me, and no longer calls. No explanation. (Why would there be. Liars don't just say what a thing is, like an adult.) So.. we go shopping last month, and I find not one, BUT TWO quarters. And everything was fine, and I didn't attach any meaning to it at all (except, "Hey, free fifty cents!"). But next thing I know, BOOM, BIG CHANGE! Now I have no ride! And I am having to drastically change how I get things done.

Laundry: I now have to pay a service to pick it up, wash it and bring it back (it isn't bad though, 35 dollars a month).

Grocery shopping: I have to walk to the supermarket, and take a cab home with a month's worth of food to freeze (everything is done monthly).

Everything else (non-foods):  order it online and Fed Ex brings it.

So..it can be done.


But I haven't got a single friend left at all now.

Well maybe that's the second quarter eh? (oh, usually it's just one. So: one quarter, one change.) But I found two. So first I change how I shop and do wash. And then TWO: I get new friends.  ..who aren't retarded and liars. (That one will take some ongoing effort, right away.)

So..that's where my life is headed. ...away from dummies, more independent, and some new smart funny (& oh please musical) friends - instead of florping idiots who lie and can't understand anything.

I will start going to open mics and coffee places, and places, next month. (The music buying is all done, and the apartment needs before it. It's insured even, and I am now financially free to save some emergency funds, and go out a bit (FINALLY!)
It took eleven years of being deprived and scraping. I don't even have cable or get a pizza. But things can change now.

I'll be advertising for a discussion group, and/or musicians and those of comedic bent...
I want a Saturday morning rap session weekly,
AND a game day
- with SMART, FUNNY, MUSICAL FRIENDS I DESERVE.

And I have started arranging a will, to leave my music equipment to a school...and in that pursuit I met a band leader  I might send another e-mail to soon. I have something to share about school bands and band leaders (mine died and I wrote a piece about the effect his work had had (though he never got to know). He was my most influential and appreciated teacher. Things he gave me affected the whole rest of my life. She might like to know her work probably has life long positive effects on some of her students this way, though they never get to tell her.  ..Anyway it wouldn't hurt to talk to someone who has a real life, rather than just another of the retarded welfare recipients all around me here  

The only way to end up with new friends is to start going out and putting out feelers. So there's one.

I might call Sharon Adamsky too. She has an interesting job in the field of spirituality and health.
And there is Patty May, whom I have always sincerely liked, but never invited to a New Year's Eve
or a tea or a game day...and why not?

OF course I will need some guy friends, not just these three women (who have educated professional minds, and are likeable)


So...
I've been gestating for 4 years,
and now some resulting evolving happens.

Randy Newman -- Short People

Duane Allman --- BB King Medley, Southbound, Just Ain't Easy, Midnight Rider, Please Call Home, Stand Back,
                         Statesboro Blues

Beatles ----------- Don't Let Me Down

Tom Petty ------  Breakdown, Free Fallin', I Need To Know, Mary Jane's Last Dance

David Bowie ---- Rebel Rebel, Starman, Heroes, Ziggy Stardust

Joni Mitchell ---- River (and Woodstock -sung the way John Huntington might have sung it)

Eric Burdon  --   Spill The Wine

Lynyrd Skynyrd- Free Bird, Searching, Tuesday's Gone

Neil Young   --   For The Turnstile, Love Is A Rose, Revolution Blues, Ride My Llama, Rockin' In The Free World,
-----------------   Roll Another Number, Yonder Stands The Sinner

Deep Purple  --  Child In Time, Lazy

Doors ----------  Light My Fire, Roadhouse Blues, LA Woman, Crawling Kingsnake

Rolling Stones - Lady Jane, Fool To Cry, Down In The Hole

Harry Nillson  -  At My Front My Door, Spaceman, You're Breaking My Heart

Mott The Hoople- Irene Wilde, Sea Diver

Carole King ---- It's Too Late, So Far Away

Dr Hook

LITTLE FEAT!

Elton John  --- Benny & The Jets

Alice Cooper - Some Folks, Dwight Fry, Be My Lover, Desperado, list..

Bee Gees

Peanuts

Blues ---------   I've got a folder of hot numbers picked

70's R & B ---   (same)

I wish I had the money to be able to play some music.  Oh I can get stuff, through years of deprivation, channeling all funds to collecting it instead of living at all or eating okay. But I'm not free to sing here. Singing is the volume of yelling. Imagine being my neighbor, on the other side of a thin regular house wall, being invaded by HOURS PER DAY of "yelling".  I can't get away with that. And it means I can't play harmonica either. And what use is a guitar without singing? So I can't play any music here. And I've known it all along. I'm just collecting stuff - and feeling 'tired' all the time, because that's what depression is like.

But that doesn't mean I hate rich kids who have careers bought for them that they aren't even talented enough to have.
Why would I hate those fuckers?  Because they'll inevitably boast that they  "worked hard for what they've got" ?  

And neither should I hate humanity itself for rewarding those who were handed being rich, while kicking the poor, as if that's what they each deserve. Because I should be like everyone else, taking pleasure in the plight of the societally abused, scorning at those I helped give pain to by parroting naziisms for those who profit from it. I SHOULD APPLAUD LIKE A MONKEY while laughing at the misery and telling lies like a good republicon toady -a player  -a retard who knows nothing but parrots to pretend he does.  I should be like that.   And since I'm not, my unhappiness is my fault.

After all Trump is GOD, and we should lick his asshole and work for no pay, gratefully, or else be ridiculed - because THAT'S what good is. Ask Barbara Bush, she married that kind of good. After all, the Bush family got rid of the Kennedies, and democracy. They gave us pre-emptive warring. They hocked our jobs, and put us all on camera and electronic surveillance so total we must fear speaking at all, and even worry our smartphones may be recording inside our homes. The Bushes stole what we the people owned collectively, and called it "privatization" to dupe us into imagining it was a good thing. They similarly legalized corporate crime, hailing it as "deregulation" which we were to parrot as "good for America".  They even sucked all the money out of the public school system, so that just the rich kids can get a chance now. And they dared call Bush Sr. "the education president", for this. They bought up our entire free press to use for brainwashing. They gerrymandered away any chance of voting for something else. And again: they "got rid of" The Kennedies. So how dare ANYONE suggest the Bushes aren't the epitome of 'good'?

Truly if there wasn't already imaginary Jesus, we'd have to declare Jeb Bush 'Jesus', and pray for his wisdom.

You see, the thing with me is I lack family values. That's my problem. Because when a towering sage like Dan Quayle says so, it MUST be true. And Sarah Palin should be president of course, because..a retarded leader for a retarded people..it just makes sense. I'm obviously the dummy for not realizing the genius in that! But wait, perhaps you'd like to be told you elected Kid Rock next time? He could have Lee Malia for his dirty-faced fapping 13-year old vice president. And Ted Nugent could head the Department of the Interior. He'd shoot all our cats and dogs for the pleasure of wholesome sport. Truly THAT would be an America to be proud of. And anyone who disagrees, hobble them with lies! Those tards! We need to build a wall! "I know lots of words"! "I'm balanced" and "like really smart"!!! LOVE ME! What Russians?  Everybody grab a pussy!! Let's have a parade!!

And if you don't get this or why I'm talking about those bastards,
consider how poor you've steadily become and who did it to you

while I contemplate that it was you who let them.


Yea.


So...I wish I could play some music,
and not have to eat garbage for food.
I wish I could safely go outside to take a walk.
and drive a car and have friends and a life.
But billionaires of course need more money.
And far be it from me not to wave a flag for evil with all the dolts.
Heil Republicons. Heil Satan. Heil Donald Trump's sausage fingers he grabs pussy with.