DEEP THOUGHTS by Jack Handey

     





If you're at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing, or the cranberry sauce or anything else,
just pretend you're eating it, and instead put it into your lap and form it into a big mushy ball.
Then later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big cough
and throw the ball to the ground and say "boy, these are good cigars!"



If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down?
We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.



If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll
look like a dummy, and people will try to catch you, because hey, free dummy.

   

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him
it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.



If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most?
I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.



Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he
sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.



It's easy to sit and scoff at an old man's folly, but also, check out his Adam's apple.



To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.



Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself, "mankind".
Basically it's made up of two separate words, "mank" and "ind". What do these words
mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.



I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free.
To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand,
pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.


Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom.
I could walk freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads.
It was only later that I discovered that they were not Indians at all but only dirty-clothes hampers.



I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair,
you still hit those brakes. Hey, better try the emergency brake.



When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police, but then I got curious about it.
I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns


I wish outer space guys would conquer earth and make people their pets,
because I'd like to have one of those little basket beds with my name on it.



Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown
and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.



I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.



Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone’s neck,
and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.


When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future,
don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.


For me, the worst thing about having King Kong walk down your street
is that kids could look up and see the giant genitalia.


We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients, but we can't
scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.



I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.



If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do.
Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised.



If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in a mirror,
because I’ll bet that’s what really throws you into a panic.


Whether they live in an igloo, a grass shack or a mud hut,
people around the world all want the same thing – a better house.


If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't necessarily think it means you're a hard worker.
It may just mean that you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance.


Instead of mousetraps, what about baby traps?
Not to harm the babies, but just to hold them
down until they can be removed.



If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope
he likes enchiladas, because that's what he's getting.

 
When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must've sensed it. Probably, they
gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the back and said, "Hey, good job."



I bet when the Neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying,
"Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered
they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.



The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe,
but the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed, and roll around
until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go, "Hey, I'm Vine Man."



Before a mad scientist goes mad, there's probably a time when he's only partially mad.
And this is the time when he's going to throw his best parties.



Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.



One of the worst things you can do as an actor, I think, is to forget your lines,
and then get so flustered you start stabbing the other actors.



I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And
since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.



If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all
watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.



Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh.
But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.



He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her.
But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."



I wish a robot would get elected president. That way,
when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him, and not feel too bad.



It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about a hundred drumsticks,
then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw that chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish."
Sure they eat fish if that's all you give them. Man, wise up!  – Jack Handey



The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.



You know what it is that frightens ants the most? It's not the anteater,
and it's not the steamroller. No wait, it is the steamroller. I got mixed up.



If you lived in the Dark Ages, and you were a catapult operator, I bet
the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it
shoot farther?" No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots.


 
I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.



It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.



I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.



The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all
pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go,
but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we
played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad". We'd eat
some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.



The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.




Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than
some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.




Instead of crucifying a guy on a cross, what about a windmill? That way you get the pain and the dizziness.



Instead of having answers on a math test, they should just call them "impressions",
and if you got a different impression, so what? Can't we all be brothers?  – Jack Handey



Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear your partner has been turned into Dracula. Next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham! You just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, 'Think again, batman.'"


I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.



If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.



The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole
and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere.
"Uh-oh," he thought. "This watering hole is reserved for skeletons."



If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude.
That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity "happen."



I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar,
because then, Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.



Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year,
but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.



As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again,
I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than
a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.



During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was
not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."




If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would
really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.



Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.



Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?



If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep,
and while you're in there some guys come and seal up
both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city,
boy, I don't know what to tell you.



It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.



To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around.
That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."



When you go for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.



How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow?
It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.



I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire.
No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out.
Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion
is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.



When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did,
not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.